I often doubt myself. I overthink. I'm a really good thinker, so naturally I overthink a lot. It could be considered a strength of mine but I don't want that to be one my strengths.
I also don't know if what I'm writing here is what I actually want to write. I haven't decided yet where this text is going and what the purpose of it is. Which is fine, this could very well be a bit of journaling time early on a sunny Saturday morning, or it could turn to something useful.
Notice how the previous paragraph is full of doubting and sabotaging myself. Even without saying it I bring myself down, I devalue what I'm doing by saying that if I was doing something else, that would be useful. So in comparison, what I'm doing now isn't useful.
Not everything has to be useful, not everything has to be efficient or productive, to serve a purpose and offer something to others. Yes, in general we want to be of service; we want to be part of things that are bigger than ourselves and that's how we find meaning in life. That's great. But what about yourself? What about little things to fill your cup? (I don't really like that expression, not sure why, but that's the one that comes to mind right now.)
The need for everything to be part of the bigger picture, a grandiose goal; the need to always be productive and efficient; the constant hustling - even now, a few years after the side hustle culture has gone a bit quieter - has it? or is that just me filtering it out? - I think it's not healthy and I think it's draining us and robbing us of meaning and joy.
Because in the pursuit of meaning and finding our purpose, in the pursuit of improving ourselves and our lives, in the pursuit of better, we forget that the only real moment, the only real life is NOW.
The pursuit is an action focused on the future. But the future is imagined, the future is just a projection. The only real moment is now, and now and as soon as we experience it, as soon as we live it, the moment is gone. If all your moments are focused in the future, you are not living fully.
That's what I think, that's what I keep coming back to.
Reminding myself to be here, in the now. Because any improvement and growth I want to see in myself and in my life, is for the sake of improving the NOW I get to live in.
So yes, improve yourself, work hard, keep growing. Those are all values that are important to me. But the reason they are important is to amount to a better now, a better life not just for a future, imagined me, but for me right now.
Right now, without improving anything, without striving for change or growth, can I live this moment and just be?
Not "be happy", not "be productive", just be.
Not even try to "be present", because "being" already indicates that I'm in this moment, this present moment. It's the present tense after all, and continuous present at that. See? All the years of studying English grammar are proving very useful. And just like that, my doubting creeps back in, by implying that if there wasn't an over arching theme, a clever little way to end this text by circling back to something mentioned in the beginning, it wouldn't be of value.
Heavens forbid I do something just for the sake of doing it.
